Lincoln Day Hijinx!

The GOP recommitted itself to Saint Reagan’s 11th Commandment, closing ranks on Lincoln Day to accentuate the Pollyanna. The event, laughingly called a “Unity Dinner” is perhaps the last gasp of intra-party geniality the electorate will see before backbiting and infighting begins sometime in the late spring. Primary season coming as early as it does this year, it’s hard to imagine that these guys can keep this up much longer. Otherwise the event was largely what one would expect from the autocratic dinosaurs that the Grand Old Party of Executive Power Fanboys has for front-runners this time out.

Front Runners

Giuliani was on the offensive, repeating what will likely be his mantra for the upcoming election, that social issues don’t matter. The Big G still leads in key states in all early polling, and I still maintain that he’s going to name Gingrich as his running mate long before the primary season even begins to wash away his sins. Specifically, his (alleged) socially permissive politics and being from “Nooo Yawrk Citaaay?!” The Manhattan Mussolini once again reiterated his opposition to more government spending on anything other than putting black ski masked thugs on every street corner in America. Internal security and intelligence services on a scale grander than the German Democratic Republic are a great idea but single-payer health care? That’s socialism! He also stated unequivocally that the other Republican candidates are better than Clinton, Obama and Edwards. One can only assume that proto-fascist Tom Tancredo and reanimated corpse Tommy Thompson are included in this assessment.

Big Daddy G’s only realistic opponent thus far, Mitt Romney reiterated his reasons for running for POTUS- he’s handsome and has a successful business record. The son of a polygamist whore that lied his way into office in Massachusetts avoided bragging about hoodwinking liberals into voting for him in favor of showing off his one wife. I was recently saddened and dismayed to find out that he’s received the endorsement of Bill Weld, perhaps my single favorite living Republican. Take comfort in the fact that his bizarre space religion (complete with magical panties!) and affinity for hiring undocumented workers will knock him out in February at the latest.

Former “straight talk express” captain John McCain continued to suck on the balls of POTUS Bush II defending the Iraq War against the heavy anti-war bias that reality seems to hold. Old Man Johnny, listen up: NO ONE IS GOING TO CONFUSE YOUR PIG-HEADED STUPIDITY WITH STEADFAST RESOLVE OR WHATEVERTHEFUCK YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING! GET OFF THAT SHIP BEFORE YOU SINK WITH IT! McCain, taking a page from the Edwards and Thompson camps periodically clutched his chest and proclaimed “‘Lizbeth! I’m comin’ home!”

Who Else?

Tancredo continued to campaign for the nomination of the U.S. Taxpayers’ Party Constitution Party. He lost the Republican nomination sometime last year.

Mike Huckabee and Sam Brownback continued to fight rumors and speculation that they are, in fact, the same person with a different kind of comb over.

Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore- someone whose existence I was unaware of until today despite being an election junkie and a resident of VA while he was the gov- was the only candidate to violate the 11th Commandment, referring to “Rudy McRomney” as being a phony conservative. *yawn*

All in all it’s what you’d expect from the Republican “No Chance ‘08″ crowd. Rudy forced non-existent comparisons between himself and the Gipper, Romney didn’t mention his supernatural manties or his previous support for abortion rights, McCain used even more energy staving off his fifteenth heart attack than he did making sure POTUS Bush II was pleased with his teabagging skills, and everyone else feigned relevance.

Just wait for the debates. That’s when it gets interesting.

~ by newsvirus on April 15, 2007.