Democratic Presidential Candidates Gone Wild
The first debate between Democratic Party Presidential candidates took place last night on MSNBC. While there was little in the way of meaty, substantial questions… this is America. What the fuck were you expecting “your” press to do? Still, the debate was notable for two reasons. Firstly, we were introduced to all of the candidates including my new man-crush, Mike Gravel. Secondly, the Democratic Party seems to have pulled a total 180 from 2004 where there was effectively one viable candidate (I’ll leave it up to you to guess who I think that was). Any one of this year’s lot can beat whatever clown emerges from the Republican primary with the caveat that that’s only true because Mr. Law and Order hasn’t entered the race yet.
Joe Biden
Joementum 2: Electric Boogaloo kicked into high gear at the debate as Old Joe continued his “No Chance ‘08″ campaign. Joe’s campaign basically confuses me. He doesn’t have a prayer and he’s not running for Veep so what the frig is he doing? Hopefully he can manage to get through the rest of the campaign without plagiarizing British MPs or talking about how “clean” and “articulate” his opponents are. He was the only person on the stage still for the war which puts him drastically at odds with the electorate in general to say nothing of the Democratic base.
Final Analysis: Joe will drop out in early ‘08 after being smote in New Hampshire.
Hilary Clinton
Does Hil remind anyone else of their friend’s bitchy mom that used to shriek bloody murder if you wore shoes in the house? 4rlz, yo, if ‘08 is “Mrs. Hilary Clinton” v. The Double G Avengers (Giuliani / Gingrich) pack up your shit and make good on your repeated threats to move to Canada. Clinton basically did the same thing as her husband sixteen years ago. A whole lot of weasel word answers and bullshit on the PATRIOT Act, on her Iraq vote, etc. And don’t forget her permanently affixed botox smile!
Final Analysis: Look for Clinton to start the “How do you feel about Barack Hussein Obama’s support for Islamic terrorist leaders in Illinois? Do you support the Senators ‘rape all white women’ positions?” phone calls around November / December ‘07.
Chris Dodd
Chris Dodd is actually not a terrible guy, his record on gun rights notwithstanding. He’s taken very principled stances against the more egregious laws passed by the Republican congress- the first person that I’m aware of to oppose the Military Commissions Act, for example. Still, he doesn’t seem to be capable of facial expression and he’s a Senator which is basically Presidential poison.
Final Analysis: Dodd will drop out before New Hampshire and be on the top tier of Veep candidates but won’t get that either.
John Edwards
Edwards was channeling Bubba Clinton’s ability to talk about some lady that he met at a little coffee shop down the road without you realizing that he’s totally bullshitting you. He tripped up a little on the question about his moral leader but then saved himself by not responding with “Christ” a la Dubya. No, he went one better proclaiming that his moral role models were “my lord… my wife… my father.” All in all this bastard is starting to grow on me like cancer and I may just eat shit with a grin for him the way that people did for his boss in ‘04.
Final Analysis: Presuming that he doesn’t step on his dick (and that Al Gore doesn’t enter the race) Edwards is positioned to walk into the convention the clear winner after Clinton and Obama slander each other out of contention. He’ll quite literally crush any Republican (probably even Fred Thompson) getting somewhere around 35 states behind him.
Mike Gravel
I’ve recently decided to switch my allegiance from Dr. No to Mike Gravel for the following reasons:
- Only candidate to straight up call “BULLSHIT” on Exxon’s War
- Only candidate to straight up call “BULLSHIT ARTIST” on the entire top tier
- From Alaska
- Madman with nothing to lose
- Sick ’stache
Anyone who laughs at Mike Gravel like he’s some kind of joke needs to get punched in the balls. Mike Gravel is quite literally the only person on the stage who wasn’t rehearsed to death by his handlers and the only one staking out clear, strong positions on exactly how and why the world is as completely fucked as it is right now. You want a real alternative? Vote Gravel.
Final Analysis: Gravel will hang in until the convention, won’t release his delegates and may mount an independent campaign.
Dennis Kucinich
The Kooch is best summed up by my father- who would vote for Adolf Hitler if he ran as a Democrat- whose first reaction was “Who the fuck is this geek?” The guy is a total charlatan, grabbing any position he thinks will get him headlines. I don’t remember nearly anything he said as I’ve heard it about ten times before.
Final Analysis: Who the fuck is this geek?
Barack Obama
Has this man ever told the truth about anything? I still think he’s more running for Veep than anything else. Again, just a lot of lackluster, milquetoast liberalism with a slightly more “left” bent. Some facts on the (sort of kind of maybe a little) Black-man-beyond-criticism du jour:
- He voted to re-authorize the PATRIOT Act
- He voted to appoint war criminal Condaleeza Rice to Secretary of State
- He opposed Sen. Feingold’s attempt to censure King George II for wiretapping
- He refuses to oppose a “first strike” nuclear policy on Iran
Final Analysis: The Veep for whatever racist motherfucker ultimately gets the nom, except Clinton.
Bill Richardson
Great candidate, staked out strong positions and admitted that he wants to cut the brown man some slack. Awesome. He’s most consistently against the war, gets a great NRA score, but was pretty reserved at the debate which isn’t going to help him.
Final Analysis: America is ready for a Black or a woman President. They are not ready for a Mexican or Mormon President. Sorry, Bill, you’d have my vote but you just can’t win. Rednecks too numerous to mention think you’re going to move everything brown south of the Rio Grande to San Diego.
Next week the Republican “No Chance ‘08″ crowd gets savaged…
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